The Cullen's Facebook
by strongerdancer
Summary: These are notes on that I found and decided to create into a story. OOC & language... &humor!
1. Emmett

**hi. so, uh, I wrote this to beta. But I might write again because it was slightly fun =]**

**This is a facebook note written by Emmett Cullen. Its Stephenie Meyers characters, my writing. ****Oh, and I stole the note from facebook, so credit goes to internet peeps. HOLLA!**

**Review if you're actually reading this. Its my first one ever so...yeah.**

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EMMETT

1. What is the color of your wallpaper?  
Psh, wallpaper is for old people.

2. Is the light in the room you are currently in on or off?  
It is on.

3. What do you prefer: cheezits or cheesnips?  
Squirrel. Or Zebra.

4. Do you like candycorn?  
Zebra.

5. How many toes do you have?  
9… Alice is holding on to one. I have to go shopping with her to get it back.

6. Have you ever proclaimed your love for a vegatable? If so what vegatable?  
YES I HAVE. TOMATOS. LIKE BOB. FROM VEGGIETALES.

7. I am sitting on a bean bag chair.

do I care?

8. How many peas can you stick up your nose?  
16.

9. Tell me your best joke.  
Jacob.

10. What brand is the television you watch?  
not telling. heeehee

12. Who gives the best hugs?  
Jasper. hes emo, so he hugs himself all the time.

13. Have you ever own a little tykes toy box?  
…yes

14. Why did Sarah draw a lego in art class?  
…what kind of stupid survey is this?

15. Quick! A train is coming at your head. You have four seconds to make the ultimate choice, which is coming your way!!!!!..........................................................Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Gryffindor? And will you save the ninja tied to the train tracks in front of you even though it will sacrafice the horse that is awaiting your return - however it will die a lonely death because you will never return? (Make sure to answer all of theparts of the question. I like cheese.)  
…no.

16. Do you like cheese?  
ZEBRAAA

17. In what position do you sleep?  
with rose =] hehe sex.

18. Parrots or ninjas?  
parrots? wtf?

19. Are you a nun?  
YES. OF COURSE.

of your legs is longer?  
neither. imma VAMPIRE

21. What happened to question 11?  
Carlizzle deleted it.

22. What's the worst thing you ever did to your microwave?  
I put edward in it.

23. Would you like venture to Canada with me?  
uhh, survey, canada sucks. they speak french, all fancy-like.

24. Why do dogs eat shoes, especially the expensive ones?  
why does edward break my tvs, especially the expensive ones?

25. How many laws of motion are there?  
WHA?!

26. Who was the seventy-sixth president of the United States of America?  
ask alice.

27. What color is the blanket Sarah's cuddled up in?  
who is sarah?

28. What is the date of Canada Day?  
ew canada.

29. "Why does Michelle have big boobs?"  
thanks, survey, no more love from rose for a week.

30. Why does gum disolve in your mouth when it's been in your mouth too long?  
what?

31. How many purple clothing items do you own?  
19. and a sock.

34. Where are the tissues?  
next to the rock.

35. Are you sick of this quiz yet?  
yeee boy.

36. Can you really lose weight without feeling hungry?  
OMG THATS INSULTTINGG I AM BEAUTIFUL.

37. What is your favorite YouTube Video?  
when people fall.

38. Which bug do you hate the most?  
misketterz. they take blood. so they're like vampires, but bugs. which is actually kindof cool.

39. What's a question that you always have wanted answered?  
is aro gay?

40. Do you like clocks?  
and socks. and locks. and blocks. and shocks. and walks.

41. Is Edward Cullen awesome?  
who wrote this?


	2. Carlisle's new phone

CARLISLE

What kind of phone is it?  
A mobile phone!

Color?  
Silver.

What carrier do you use?  
Carrier? Well, it sits in a black pouch on my waistband.

What does your 5th text message say?  
"hhow d3o youu ty9pe w!ithh tjis thi;g? –Esm]"

What does your 8th sent message say?  
"I seee yoouuu -Emmett"

Who is the first person under 'A' in your contacts?  
Alice!

Who is the second person under 'M'?  
Marcus!

Do you drop it a lot?  
Drop my phone? Or like its hot (I'm cool!)? Because to both: yes!

Do you have a case for it?  
Yessiree! On my waistband!

Does it have a qwerty keyboard?  
What is this you speak of?

Does it have a camera?  
Is that possible?! :)

How long have you had it?  
2 hours.

What is your favorite thing about it?  
It's shiny!

What is your least favorite thing about it?  
It does not seem to work… the screen is dark.

How many messages are in your inbox?  
9- I'm so popular!

In your outbox?  
9!

What is the 20th sent message?  
…this makes me sad.

Do you have any messages that you saved?  
huh?

Name every person you have text messages from in your cell?  
Esme, Emmett, Alice.

Who texts you the most?  
Alice.

What is your ringtone?  
"You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up…"

Do you have different ringtones for different people?  
I will now!

What is the tone for when you get a message?  
"DOCTOR! Is there nothing I can take? I said, DOCTOR! To relieve this belly ache"

Do you pay the bill, or do your parents?  
I do!

What is the banner?  
Dr. Carlisle Cullen

What is the wallpaper?  
Blue.

Do you like your phone?  
Yes!

Do you want a new one?  
Why would I?

Who is the last person you texted?  
Esme!

What was the last thing you said to them?  
Love you!

Do you have service where you are right now?  
I think so?


	3. stalkercheck! geuss who

**Hi all. try and guess who this is... =]**

**SHOUTOUT TO THE ONE PERSON WHO IS READING THIS. if there are more, make yourself known by reviewing!**

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Directions:  
1.) Take a screenshot of your stalkerlist and attach it to this note.  
2.) Write the names of everyone on your stalkerlist below.  
3.) DO NOT READ THE QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU PUT IN YOUR ANSWERS. JUST DON'T DO IT.

1. Edward!  
2. Alice  
3. Rose  
4. Jakey  
5. Nessie  
6. Carlizzle  
7. Emmett  
8. Jasper  
9. Esme  
10. Seth!  
11. Angela  
12. Quil  
13. Jessica

14. Embry  
15. Mike  
16. Eric  
17. Aro…  
18. Mom  
19. Garret  
20. Leah  
21. Caius  
22. Maggie  
23. Billy Black  
24. Charlie  
25. Sam  
26. Tyler  
27. Tanya  
28. Zafrina

→Are you honestly surprised about any of these?  
Aro? Caius? Billy?

→How did you meet 4?  
We made mud pies!

→How much does 9 mean to you?  
soo much. Shes my vampire mommy. and my mommie-in-law. so a lot.

→Describe 14 in two words.

→What is your most fond memory with 19?  
When he came to our house so Nessie wouldn't get killed by the voltouri. that was pretty sweet.

→Do you know all of 2's secrets?  
yesh.

→If you could marry either 1 or 21, who would it be?  
HA. HA. HA. sorry, eddie, I'm leaving you for caius.

→How far do you think you are on 5's stalkerlist?  
numba 1!

→When is the next time you're going to see 7?  
two seconds ago.

→When is the last time you saw 17?  
when he didn't kill me.

→How do you think 13 feels about you?  
uh.. yeah… about that…

→Are 11 and 12 anything like each other?  
kindof? they should be bffls.

→Describe the relationship between 20 and 30.  
I ONLY HAVE 28 WHAAA

→Would you ever want to date 18?  
nooo. I am married, you see.

→What do you think 33's parents are like?  
WHAAAA

→Is 10 single?  
yeshers.

→If you had never met 6, would your life be different?  
YES.

→If you could tell 24 one thing right now, what would it be?  
hi dad?

→What is the funnest thing you've ever done with 16?  
TURN HIM DOWN FOR PROM. sorry eric, i was… er… outoftown.

→How did you meet 15?  
He stalked me on the first day of school.

→How did you come to be friends with 32?  
WHAAAAAAAA!!

→If 3 died, would you be lost?  
yes?

→What is the weirdest thing you've ever seen 23 do?  
Try to rap. It was painful.

→What is 31's only weakness?  
WHAAAAAAAAA!!

→Are you friends with any of 5's friends?  
yepperz, because she like, totallly stole my friends.

→Do you think 16 and 28 would make a good couple?  
LOL NO. zafrina would scare eric and eric would run to mike like all, miiike! shes scaryyy! and he'd be all chill dude. wimp.

→Who is 29 to you?  
….srsly survey? WHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

→What is the most badass thing you've ever seen or heard 21 do?  
hes not badass. hes bumass. HEEHEE.

→What is 27's best talent?  
being… pretty?

→If 2 and 3 hated each other, what would change?  
EVERYTHING. I WOULD BE FORCED TO SHOP TWICE AS MUCH.

→If 31 said to you that s/he loved 6, what would your response be?  
if noone said they loved Carlisle, i would laugh. but cry. and then bring carlisle some ice cream and titanic so he could cry it out.

→Is 11 anything like 33?  
WAHHHH. WHAAAAA.

→How much trust do you have confined in 1?  
unlimited =]

→If you fell off a bridge, would you trust 10 or 17 to catch you more and why?  
SETH. aro is old.

→Is 12 fun to be around?  
mmhmm. fo sho.

→If you were stuck on a desert island with all of these people, you would...  
basically be in forks… but sunny.

→Be honest: Who do you have a crush on the most out of all of these?  
1! why is this crossed out?

→What would be the best couple on this list and why?  
there are like, 209 couples on this list. DON'T MAAKE ME CHOOSE!!


	4. Chapter 4

**hey all. so- second Emmett chapter. please dont just read the end, read why he chose each one because those are important to the funnyness. i MIGHT redo this sometime with commentairies from him, but this is it for now. **

**if you have any pov's you wanna see done, let me know by reviewing! more reviews=more chapters. or just faster chapters.**

**if 5 reviews happen, special treat. =]**

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Here's how you do it:  
Dear (someone you recently talked to),  
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).  
(12),  
(Your name)  
then tag 10 people

1) What's the color of your shirt?  
Blue - I'm in love with your cat  
Red - Our affair is over  
White - I'm joining the Convent  
Black -Our romance is over  
Green- Our socks don't match  
Grey - You're a leprechaun  
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy  
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting  
Brown - The mafia wants you  
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you  
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?  
January - That night you picked your nose  
February -When I quoted Forest Gump  
March - When your dwarf bit me  
April - When I tripped on peanut butter  
May - When I finally changed my underwear  
June - When you put cuffs on me  
July – When I saw the purple monkey  
August - When you smacked my ass  
September - Last year when you peed your pants  
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub  
November - When your dog humped my leg  
December - When I threw up in your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?  
Tacos - In your apartment  
Chicken- In your car eating  
Pasta - Outside of your office  
Hamburgers - Under the bus  
Salad – As you were Kraft Dinner  
Lasagna - In your closet  
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien  
Seafood - In a clown suit  
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert  
Pizza - At the mental hospital  
Hot dog - Under a street light  
Other- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?  
Yellow - Ignore  
Red - Put whipped cream on  
Black - Hit on  
Blue - Knock out  
Purple - Pour syrup on  
White - Carve your initials into  
Grey - Pull the clothes off  
Brown - bite off  
Orange - Castrate  
Pink - Pull the pants off of  
Barefoot - Sit on  
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?  
Black - My boyfriend  
White - My father  
Grey – The Catholic Priest  
Brown – The Montreal Canadian's goalie  
Purple - My corned beef hash  
Red – My knee caps  
Blue - My salt-beef bucket  
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana  
Orange - My Blink 182 cd  
Pink – Your 'My Little Pony' collection  
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?  
One Tree Hill - Senile  
Heroes- Frostbitten  
Lost - High  
Simpsons- Cowardly  
The news - Scared  
American Idol - Masochistic  
Family Guy - Open  
Top Model - Middle-class  
Other - Shamed

7) Your mood right now?  
Happy - How awful you are  
Sad - How boring you are  
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men  
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit  
Depressed – That we're related  
Excited - That I may pee my pants  
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you  
Worried - That your Ford sucks  
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change  
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes  
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist  
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid  
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?  
White - Your toe ring  
Yellow - Your love letters to me  
Red - The pictures from Vegas  
Black - Your pet rock  
Blue - The couch cushions  
Green - Your car  
Orange - Your false teeth  
Brown - Your nose hair clippers  
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear  
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket  
Pink - The cut toenails  
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?  
A/B - My virginity  
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it  
E/F - Your neighbors dog  
G/H - The oil tank from your car  
I/J - Your left ear  
K/L - The results of that blood-sample  
M/N - Your glass eye  
O/P - My common sense  
Q/R - Your mom  
S/T - Your collection of butterflies  
U/V - Your criminal record  
W/X – Your sucide note  
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?  
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass  
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks  
E/F -Never will forget that night  
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard.  
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly  
K/L - Hate your cooking  
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching  
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises  
Q/R - Get sick when I think of your feet  
S/T - Always wanted to break your legs  
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart  
W/X - Haven't showered in a month  
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?  
Wine- Our friendship is ruined  
Soft drink – I'm off to lead a new life as a lemon  
Soda – I will haunt you when I'm reincarnated as an Eskimo  
Milk - The apartment building is on fire  
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this  
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice  
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.  
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out  
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird  
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey  
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine  
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?  
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations  
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard  
France - Love always  
Spain - With tears of sadness  
China – You make me sick  
Germany – Please don't hurt me  
Japan - Go milk a cow  
Greece - Your everlasting enemy  
USA - Best of luck on the sex change  
Egypt – Kiss my butt  
England - Go drown yourself

Dear Eddie-poo,  
I don't really know how to tell you this, but purple hedgehogs want to destroy you. I think I realized it when your dwarf bit me in your car eating chicken, and I saw you castrate my Blink 182 CD. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that your driving sucks. I'm returning the cut toenails to you, but I'll keep your neighbors dog as a memory. You should also know that I always will remember the pep talks and you should stop picking your nose.  
Best of luck on the sex change,

Emmett Cullen


	5. Jacob comes to town

**heeeres jacob. ask and ye shall recieve.**

**.REVIEW. jacob was slightly harder to do, so let me know how i did. **

**ANND in eclipse the movie world, they're fliming the graduation scene today. so go mull over that AFTER you review =]**

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100 Truths

001. Real name → Jacob Black… middle names are for squares  
002. Nickname(s) → wolf…person…thing…?

003. Zodiac sign → uh. what.  
004. Male or female → male tehe  
005. Elementary → RESERVATION SCHOOLS, YO!  
006. Middle School → RESERVATION SCHOOLS, YO!  
007. High School → RESERVATION SCHOOLS, YO!  
008. Hair color → black  
009. Long or short → long! don't submit to peer pressure!  
010. Loud or Quiet → wolf.  
011. Sweats or Jeans → sweatpants, ftw.  
012. Phone or Camera → gah, camera. carlisle needs to stop texting me.  
014. Drink or Smoke → I smoke clowns like you on the killing… vampires… court?  
015. Does someone like you → NESSEH. AND MY WOLF HOMEHS.  
016. Eat or Drink → eat. all day. nonstop.  
017. Piercings → EW.  
018. Tattoos → EW. **(A/N: what's up with the matching wolf pack tattoos in new moon? LAMESPICE.)**

HAVE YOU EVER?  
019. Been in an airplane → in an airplane? pshh no.  
020. Been on a train → in the rain so I can feign getting some grain for a guy named wayne who is very vain so he slain some craines? nope, cant say I have.  
021. Been in a car accident →YEESH.  
022. Been in a fist fight → hellz yes.

FIRSTS:  
023. First piercing → EW.  
024. First best friend → QUIL!  
025. First award → bellas guy friend?  
026. First crush → bellah.  
028. First big vacation → port angeles?

LASTS:  
029. Last person you talked to → nesseh.  
030. Last person you texted →nesseh.  
031. Last person you watched a movie with → sam. and paul, and jared, and embry. quil ditched us for claire.  
032. Last food you ate → fudgesicle.  
043. Movies → die another day.  
044. Subjects → i don't really know what you want me to say here....

check all that apply

IN 2009, I . .  
046. [HASN'T COME YET! that's what she said… =)] Celebrated Halloween  
047. [XBELLAH.] Had your heart broken  
048. [] Went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone  
049. [] Someone questioned your sexual orientation  
050. [] Came out of the closet  
051. [] Gotten pregnant  
052. [] Had an abortion  
053. [x] Done something/didn't do something you've regretted  
054. [] Broke a promise  
055. [x] Hid a secret  
056. [x] Pretended to be happy  
057. [x NESSEH!] Met someone who changed your life  
058. [] Pretended to be sick  
059. [] Left the country  
060. [x vampires!] Tried something you normally wouldn't try and (didn't?) liked it  
061. [] Cried over the silliest thing  
062. [x 857, in fact.] Ran a mile  
063. [x me and seth have good times.] Went to the beach with your best friend(s)  
064. [x] Got into an argument with your friends  
065. [hating is mean!] Hated someone  
066. [] Stayed single the whole year...

CURRENTLY:  
067. Eating → nothing, surprisingly.  
68. Drinking → rien. YAY french!  
069. I'm about to → finish this survey?  
070. Listening to -- nada YAY spanish!  
071. Work → currently work? say whaaaat?  
072. Waiting for → nessie to arrive…

YOUR FUTURE:  
073. Want kids ? → …  
074. Want to get married ? → NESSEH.  
075. Careers in mind → wolfing

WHICH IS BETTER WITH A BOY/GIRL ?  
076. Lips or eyes → eyes  
077. Shorter or taller ?→ shorter. I don't want no giants!  
078. Romantic or Spontaneous → eh.  
079. Nice stomach or nice arms → this is creepy…  
080. Sensitive or loud →LOUD LIKE MEE!  
081. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship. nesseh.  
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant →trubble.

HAVE YOU EVER:  
083. Lost glasses/contacts → noperz.  
084. Snuck out of your house → yesh. all the timez.  
085. Held a gun/knife for self defense → …ive been a wolf…  
086. Killed somebody → yesh.  
087. Broken someone's Heart → BELLA BROKE MINEE!  
088. Been arrested →not yet, at least.  
089. Cried when someone died → no?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:  
090. Yourself → im on a lifelong quest to be my best!  
091. Miracles → im a wolf. yes.  
092. Love at first sight → imprinting!  
093. Heaven → eh.  
094. Santa Claus → ...no.  
095. Sex on the first date → UNPURE, UNPURE!  
096. Kiss on the first date → creepers do that. I aint no creeper. papa didn't raise no fool.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:  
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life ? → yesh.  
099. Do you believe in God → eh.

what happened to number 100? fluffmuffins…


	6. Emmett does a survey

**hi readers.**

**so, i kindof suck for not updating. i know. i have butloads of homework and other work and such, so that means that i am busy. BUT- i made a new chapter. i'm really not sure if it's funny, so please let me know by reviewing. ya'll rock.**

**REVIEW!**

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THE LONG & UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY  
(Lets see if you can get through it.) (haha survey. you're on.)

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE.  
-Name: Emmett McCarty Cullen  
-Birth Date: 1915  
-Current Location: cullen house!  
-Hair Color: dark brown  
-Righty/Lefty: vampiry

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.  
-Your fear: stupid grizzlies.  
-Your dream of the perfect date: sex. and then some sex.  
-goal you'd like to achieve: uhhh…. sex?

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.  
-Your thoughts first waking up: silly survey, vampires don't sleep!  
-Your best physical feature: my manly hair. duh.  
-Your most missed memory: bella being awkward as a human.

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.  
-Pepsi or Coke: blood.  
-McDonald's or Burger king: grizzly.  
-Single or Group Dates: sex.  
-Adidas or Nike: alice can answer this for me.  
-Cappuccino or Coffee: blood. this survey isn't very vampire friendly…

LAYER 5: DO YOU.  
-Smoke: I smoke fools like you on the football field! DON'T DO DRUGS KIDS.  
-Take showers: uh… vampire.  
-Have a crush: yuh-huh.  
-Like school: nope.  
-Believe what goes around comes around: I love justin timberlake.  
-Believe everything happens for a reason: sure?

LAYER 6: IN THE THREE MONTHS.  
-Gone to the mall: HAHA no. silly alice.  
-Been on stage: uh. sex?  
-Eaten sushi: fish blood.  
-Been hurt: gosh, carlisle. why do you hurt me so?  
-Dyed your hair: nope. its full of infinity sexy powers.

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER:  
-Been beaten up: stupid. bear.  
-Got drunk: off of…?

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.  
-Age you're hoping to be married by: already married. duhspice.  
-Number of kids you're planning on having: rose is offended.

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.  
-Best eye color: rose's eye color.  
-Best hair color: rose's hair color.  
-Short or long hair: rose's hair lenth.  
-Fat or fit: rose's fitness.  
-Looks or personality: rose's awesome combo.  
-Fun or serious: rose's personality. LOVE YOU SWEETIE.

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.  
1 MINUTE AGO: rose. HI-YO!  
1 HOUR AGO: rose.  
1 WEEK AGO: rose.  
1 YEAR AGO: ROSE. DUH SURVEY.

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.  
I FEEL: thirsty  
I HATE: bears. beets. battlestar galattica.  
I HIDE: my true emotions.  
I NEED: to hunt?  
I LOVE: rose =]

. survey. I win.


End file.
